The Loop!!

I wake up to these unsettling dreams at the break of dawn; 

They elude my sleep, hurt my heart,

Cause me to cry uncontrollably, make me doubt my existence,

And make me wonder what life is all about.

Then, the sunlight pierces my watery eyes, and I look around;

There are colors and butterflies;

The day soothes me, heals my heart, fills me with love,

And makes me want to live as though I were thirsty for life.

And then, the darkness pierces my heart as it engulfs the sky; my heart hurts,

And my soul hides in the corner of some darkness I am not even sure of.

And I force myself to nod off. 

Then, once more at daybreak, there it is yet again—the Loop!

 

A Break!

Some days life feels effortless, and some days it feels way too tough. Today, I wasn't sure how to categorize it.

I woke up to the worst of some thoughts, and yet the day ended up okay. Our plan to go to Sathpura National Park didn't work out well, so somehow we reached Sanchi.

Sanchi Stupa was built in the 3rd century BCE by the emperor Ashoka and house the ashes of the Buddha. The simple structure was damaged at during the 2nd century BCE.

Me, Navya, Ancy, and Rukhiya have been there five years before, and here we are again!!. A lot of things changed, and many things didn't change at all in the last 5 years.

But life is not getting smooth somehow, but is life smooth ever? It's not supposed to be smooth.

But yea! You always have the freedom to choose the problem you want to go through.

You will get old anyway, but you have the option to choose how to do it. And since there is no way to live without a problem, all you can do is choose the pain you want to go through, choose the happiness you are going to sacrifice, choose the dream that you are going to pursue, the one you are gonna throw it away forever.

It's all about the choice, isn't it?

2023!

      

Chaos reigned at the start of 2023; I didn't know where to start or what to do, and everything was unclear. My career and the agony of a broken heart were causing me great distress. I was living with Navya on New Year's Eve. We sipped a couple of vodkas on our balcony while watching the crackers pop in the night sky.

 We then wished a happy New Year to the paddy field that faced our balcony. 

I boarded a train to Taj Mahal in the evening because I was itching to move. The train arrived nearly three to four hours late, and the memory of that bitter cold is still with me.

After coming back from Taj Mahal, I brought a scooter and started my job here. I hated going to college; I really did, and I used to tell Navya that I would resign. Doing a job that doesn't give you any satisfaction is one of the worst things in life. By March, I had planned my trip to Kashmir and spent 7 days there. Within a month, things turned upside down, with me going through anxiety and depression. I called Chettan and told him that I was depressed over something, which doesn't have relevance anymore, but he took me home and looked after me for a whole month. Thambi was also there at home for one month on vacation. After almost one month of hibernation at Navyas, I went back to my hostel room. After coming back, it was hangama here, which finally took me to a psychiatry ward and later back to my home.

I got to meet a lot of good people during this period, among whom I am most thankful to my friend Jithin, who was there through the whole of those tough days, and I cannot thank you enough for helping me through that time. By the time I came back, Sabir was here. The next three to four months were uneventful, with some good days with me, Sabir Afreed, Rishika Navya Chettan, and Shunnu, with Unni always a call away. I made two new friends in between Athul and Gokul. All of these people I am grateful for for cheering me up and helping me get out of the many shitstorms I have been going through.

Surprisingly, almost at the end of the year, I got Vimal. Although it was a decision I made due to circumstances, I am incredibly grateful for the events that brought me to you. Even though the huge travel plans I made with Hari this year didn't turn out well, we managed to cover Jaiselmer somehow. I was both the happiest and the saddest this year. Even though I most likely damaged my parents the most this year, I am grateful to Amma for shielding me from choices that I otherwise would have made. nothing but grateful for 2023!!!