My perfect Tiny Big World!

I was thinking about what to write during this time, less than 10 days before my wedding. And I really don't know what to write. I don't know how girls feel during this time; I don't remember any stories from my friends. But I feel so very blank.

When I was young, I always wanted people around me. I always used to keep my room open so that more friends could come in, so that I could listen to them. While I was in college, at home, in family functions... but lately, I don't even have the need for people.

How perfect I feel in this tiny world of mine with Sabir and Shalini and our daily chit-chats, daily routines, the coffee from Hotspot, late-night talks, and everything about it, the occasional calls from Megha, Fida, Hari, or Unni. How I don't seek anything more than a call from achan amma and Hari, a call from Vimal when, by the end of the day, and a good morning text as I wake up to a new day. A part of me wonders at the peace that I have with these teeny-tiny gestures and the trouble that I get into when a breach happens to that.

How I am so perfectly peaceful at this space that I don't even have the need for a change; rather, I resist this change at many levels. Even when I love Vimal this much, I hesitate at this change. 

But then, this can't be forever; things will have to change, things will change, and maybe at some level, I fear loving Vimal more. What if I seek more? What if this perfect feeling of now feels incomplete eventually? What if I seek more time, more love, and the constant presence? The fact that if we start seeking more, we can only disappoint ourselves and burden the other person, either with love or expectations. I hope nothing changes after this marriage more. 

Shubin sir told me I will be a different person after marriage; I hope that doesn't happen.

I hope I don't lose myself to love again; I hope I don't love Vimal to a point where I burden him with it. I hope I don't lose what I have with my friends or family now. Because life is perfect now. I hope this marriage doesn't change it, even though I know it's all going to change – hopefully for the better! 

1/9/24

Tirur