Realities of growing up

 

At some point or another, none of us wanted to grow up. I think many get that feeling after growing up, but I used to feel this way from the very childhood itself.somehow somewhere I used to feel like a grownup since very childhood. I was one of the eldest children in my family, and I used to feel very old all my life. Somewhere, I feel like I've never felt like a child.

When I passed my 4th standard, I became very upset because I had this sudden realisation that I was changing from LP to UP. The new school was far away from my home, and it was all scary to me. My mom was cooking something in the kitchen, and I was as tall as her tummy back then. I went and hugged her, and I didn't really tell her anything. As a child, I never used to open up anything to anyone; I would rather bottle up everything, but I was feeling these overwhelming fears of growing up.

This feeling has never left me since then. I was always afraid of growing up; maybe the right word is not afraid. I just loved being a child so much that I never wanted to change from that setting.

I lived in a small house in the centre of a big paddy while I was a child. There were not many people in that area at that time, so we didn't have any kids nearby either. So I didn't have any childhood friends, and I don't have memories of playing with children back then. The friends I had were my cousins and my own sister, but among them I had the role of an elder sister; we also met during Sunday evenings or vacation.

My life until college was pretty much the same. I used to wake up early, clean the front yard, go to school or tuition, and come back by evening to water the plants and make tea. My mother would come back by 6 or 6.30. Me, Hari, and Amma would talk while she worked in the kitchen. My father would come back by 7-8, we would have tea, me and Hari would do homework, we would eat dinner, and we would go to sleep by 10. On Sundays, I used to have dance class, drawing class, or tuition class later in the year. On Saturdays and Sundays, we go to Tharavadu, Ammachan Ammamma, and all my cousins are there.

My father had two automobile shops then; one was a little far away, and the other was close to my home. My grandpa used to run it. I would make tea, and I and Hari would either take it there or he would come home. He used to sleep on the charupadi in the car parking, and later he would go to the backyard and we would help him water the coconut trees. When we were in our old house, my father used to water them too.

My life was pretty much the same for 17 years while I was home. I don't remember being lazy or tired on any of those days. Even when I had bad days, it never affected my daily life.

The one thing I noticed about being independent or while staying away from family is that the bad days are so bad that they sometimes turn into bad weeks or even bad months and affect daily life. Some days, it's pretty much impossible to even get out of bed. There are nights of crying and worrying about the future. While I was a child, while I was home, whatever bad things happened, it was all okay because I used to come back home by the end of the day, and I was not alone there; every warmth that I ever needed was there to calm all the storms.

It's pretty difficult to find people who want to make us feel at home. I survived outside alone all these years because, at every point, I had some or other friends who were home for my heart.

But with every passing year as we grow older, the number of friends we have decreases. I feel, or may be I find it very difficult to trust people, so I decrease the size of my circle and the importance that I give people.

While I was a kid, I had a lot of people to look up to. Nothing ever felt blank anywhere; I was always busy, and there was always something to push you forward. But lately, the meaning of life and the big philosophical questions trouble me. But it is true that life gets more interesting with every passing year. We have more realisations, more ideas, more dreams, more opportunities, and new people.

It's not necessary that every new experience is good, that every new person who comes into your life is good, or that the ideas you get exposed to are good. Some of the ideas can get you into trouble, some people can shatter your healed heart all over again, and some experiences can traumatise you for life. But it's all still new. And you do grow up and glow up differently with them; you become stronger than ever, and you do start to appreciate life in a whole different way. It is said that a part of you has to die to heal, to learn, and to make the best of what you are.

So even though it is painful, tough, and heartbreaking, growing up is an adventure if you look at it that way. Childhood was beautiful because we grew up. And life is beautiful because it is uncertain, and we are beautiful because we are all temporary.

So it's okay. Even though it's scary, it's still pretty!